Deep, important, unwinding stuff

Real life is catching up to me. And it’s fucking scary, people. I don’t necessarily expect you to understand, but here goes. Bear with me, here.

Finals are over. Yes, that’s the nice thing about college, you’re typically done by the end of April. However, what am I still doing? I’m still going to be taking a class during our school’s Spring and Summer semesters. That means I don’t get a vacation at all. No going home and enjoying summer break, because there is hardly a reprieve. It all starts again this Tuesday.

Since I’m staying in Ann Arbor for the summer, that means I do not have an internship this summer. In fact, I have not had a single internship in the film/video/media industry, which I what I really want to get into. Does it scare me shitless that this will under-prepare me when trying to get a real job? ABSOLUTELY. Especially when my current plans are to somehow move out to California after I graduate in ONE YEAR (wtf, so close) to make a living. Let’s face it, as much as Michigan likes to believe that it will become a place for films to be made, it’s only kidding itself, especially when it comes to those fresh out of college. My degree will mean NOTHING here, when the Michigan film jobs are taken by industry veterans. I haven’t told my parents about this idea of mine to branch out and see what the world has to offer me. It actually really worries me to consider their reaction, as they have always tried to keep me close to home… and just tried to be really involved in my decision-making processes after high school, in general. I’m not saying that this is a bad thing at all, as I feel very gracious to have parents that love me so much, but sometimes it feels… suppressing? I don’t know.

On top of ALL of that, I have to get a job for this summer to make money. Nope, not go home and pick up the two jobs that are basically waiting for me – if I’m paying the rent in this apartment I might as well live in it. That means that I have to start a job search from square one in this shitty economy. It’s like climbing uphill during a rock slide, because I almost feel like I’m destined to be resigned to food service, like that will be the only job type available. The reason I hated working at McDonald’s in 2006 was because it was so BELOW me – a high-school 4.0 GPA student working in the food industry. If I’m going to make enough money to get myself a MacBook Pro for next year (video editing and the like), food service just won’t cut it.

As if my life couldn’t get more involved, I’m also using this summer to completely rework my social outlook in life. Now, I certainly would not call myself a social outcast at all – I actually consider myself rather outgoing amongst friends here, when classes aren’t a problem. However, I’ve blogged before about my past relationship struggle and how an internet-focused lifestyle detracts from this social networking. It’s been a long struggle this school year, let’s just say that. Simply, I’ve been doing research on dating, attraction, and the like, trying to learn as much as I can about the field. And I think this summer will be finally be the time to put some of these studies to the test.

It’s hard to say what I’m trying to accomplish with focusing on this part of my life. I’ve learned things that most guys have no clue about and that feels good. It’s empowering to have insightful knowledge like this. Yet, I’m not trying to use it to go score as many chicks as I can or anything superficial like that. But at the same time, I’m not trying to find the oft-fabled “one,” either. For guys, the confidence that comes from success with women typically transfers into other areas of life, and I think that’s what I’m trying to attain. I’ve always thought of myself as a confident person, but yet I am often reserved in social situations and I think that’s a mold I want to try to break out of, especially if I’m going to work in the media industry. It’s just a part of my life I really need to get handled after being crushed for a while now – I’m just trying to take care of it now instead of waiting until later in life to decide that this is an issue.

If you guys think you have any advice in this area, I’ll certainly listen to what you have to say, or if you want to talk about it, feel free to send me a message and we’ll bounce ideas around.

However, what does all this WEIGHT that I’m carrying in my life mean for my online persona? There’s no easy way to say it – I think I’m burning out with my online media projects. Yes, this might mean Show Me Your News, as well.

– I just can’t maintain a consistent schedule anymore, it’s really just too stressful with everything going on. Would it be worth it enough to make things a “when I feel like it” basis, though? I’ve always prided myself on consistency and it feels like I can’t deliver anymore. It is so disheartening to myself, to be honest.

– Panda has a ton on his plate, too. He’s taking spring classes, studying again for the MCAT and possibly the LSAT, and then he might be in JAPAN for a year abroad next school year. If he’s in Japan, 12 hours away, this would make scheduling things nigh impossible, let’s face facts. On top of it all, he is attending Brawl tournaments nearly every weekend. I’m getting the feeling that even my co-host is burned out on podcasting as well.

– I think that above it all, though, Major League Gaming has just about killed Show Me Your News. Ever since the server transfer last summer, it has not been possible to update new episodes to our iTunes feed, because all ties there were broken. We have implored MLG to try to remedy this situation since December, but they have made ZERO PROGRESS. All the fans that only listened through iTunes have effectively been cut off and things are just not the same in terms of distribution. If we started a new iTunes feed, ALL THOSE LISTENERS WOULD BE LOST! Again, is it worth it? We’ve had some of our best guests since the MLG takeover, but it almost feels like it has been all for naught. I’m so confused and lost on this situation and I hate to bring up these concerns to our most loyal listeners, but I’m saying what’s on my mind at the moment.

F this. FML, hardcore.

Well, it’s time to go be a guest on another podcast. Maybe I’ll just have to go blow sunshine up my ass to get myself out of this funk.